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Writing 201: Poetry – Day 1 – Three Water Haiku

I have met several poets in the WordPress community who are masters at haiku. Gilly Goldsworthy at Lucid Gypsy is one of those people. And Dennis Lange, The Bard on the Hill, has created his own unique version of haiku and does beautiful work with it. The form has never been one of my strong points, but I do really enjoy experimenting with it. I got lots of fun out of this assignment, partly because once I got started thinking about all the different kinds of water, I couldn’t decide which kind to write about. So I just posted three totally different takes on the subject. Hope my visitors enjoy them.

RAINDROP

BIG RAIN PLOPS - top credits - cropped

I am a raindrop.
Sea mist rising gave me birth.
Now I’m headed home.


TEMPTATION

Children Playing in Puddle(Version One)

I
‘m a mud puddle.
As magnet’s force compels iron,
So I draw children.

(Version Two)

Beck’ning mud puddle:
As magnet’s force compels iron,
So it draws children.

(I can’t decide which of the two versions I like better, so I’ll let readers decide for themselves)

SEA OF LOVE

BRENDA'S OCEAN - CROPPEDRomance of the sea:
Waves kissed by the silver moon
Caress yearning sand.

~~~

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27 thoughts on “Writing 201: Poetry – Day 1 – Three Water Haiku”

    1. Thanks, Lee. I joined this writing poetry course that WordPress is doing for 2 weeks, and we have a different assignment each day. Today’s assignment was to write a haiku about water, using a simile. We can opt out of the specific details of the assignment and write something entirely different, but the main reason I do these things is to make myself stretch beyond my routine way of doing things. So I wanted to get as many of the details in as possible.

    1. Thanks for your input, John. I got up this morning with number 2 on my mind, and I was thinking about changing it out of first person. I thought it might be better in third person. If you get a minute to consider, tell me if you think it would be better written as follows:
      Beck’ning mud puddle:
      As magnet’s force compels iron,
      So it draws children.

    1. Gerry, that’s a sweet thing to say. But I’m glad you’ve read them because I need to ask some advice. I never felt like the mud puddle piece was just right, and I got up this morning thinking it would be better written in 3rd person instead of 1st person. So give me your opinion. Would it be better — or stronger — if it was written as follows:

      Beck’ning mud puddle:
      As magnet’s force compels iron,
      So it draws children.

      Thanks for your input.

      1. Sandra, difficult, yes I think the second one you have written is stronger, while the first one is more of a personal thought. My personal thought is they are both good, strong for their own reasons.. as the expression goes,, print them both..if it was me who wrote them then number 2, here, is my favourite. I hope this was of use for you…

  1. They are all wonderful – I love how you described the journey of the raindrop and the caress of the sea. I like version 2 of Temptation best though I might like a hybrid even better:
    Beck’ning mud puddle:
    As magnet’s force compels iron,
    So I draw children.

    It might be less grammatically correct, but it sounds better in my ear.

  2. Good work, Sandra. The shortness of Haiku does “beckon” multiples. I also prefer #2 for Temptation. “Beck’ning” descriptively expresses the theme/title, while “I’m a” is more neutral, less interesting, in my view. Alternatives might work, too, for example: “Coaxing mud puddle” (word choice) or “A puddle of mud” (rhythm) and/or use line 2 as an interjection, line 3 as continuation of the main clause. Have fun playing on!

  3. Oh you really are such a superstar thank you my dear! From seeing several of yours together I see that you are the modest one. For your puddle I prefer the objective version, but both have made me aware that I am a romantic and traditionalist where haiku are concerned, so that Raindrop, and Sea of Love tick all the buttons for me. They are superb and I wish I’d written them.

    1. Thanks for all that generous praise. I know what you mean about the traditional style, and I do like the 1st and last ones best too. But, after I read Ben’s whole list of types of water that we could use, the puddle idea stuck, and I just couldn’t seem to get away from trying to write one about a mud puddle. It’s a quirky world I live in.

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