Humor

Down Memory Lane Just For Fun

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

I’ve had almost no time to write new material for this website lately, so I decided to dig back through some of my old, old flash fiction pieces and post three of them that were written just for fun. My newer followers will not have read them, and I’m betting my readers of many years will have forgotten about them by now. So, hopefully, they’ll give you a little chuckle to lighten your day.

LAST MINUTE DECISIONS

The auditorium was full of guests, the organist waiting for her cue. The best man stood at the door, ready to enter as soon as Carter, the groom, came back inside. He’d just stepped out for some air. Where the heck was he?

Suddenly Carter hurried into the room, passed by his best man, and entered the auditorium. Looking at the guests, he took a deep breath and spoke:

“Sorry folks. Seems my bride eloped with someone else.” He laughed. “She took the car I’d arranged for my own last-minute escape.”

_____________________________


YOU CAN’T WIN ‘EM ALL

Harold slapped the alarm, grabbed the remote and clicked on the TV as the lottery numbers came up. Grabbing his ticket, he checked off the list.

“I won! I won!” He jumped out of bed, stepping on his boxer, Dolly.

“Woof! Woof!” Dolly joined in the excitement.

Barely thinking, Harold threw on clothes and started downstairs. Dolly ran under his feet, and Harold tripped, rolling down the flight in record time. Rubbing is head and his tailbone, he made it to the kitchen to warm up yesterday’s coffee.

The microwave blew a fuse, so he opted for juice, which he spilled on the floor. He bent to wipe it up and dropped his winning ticket into the puddle. And just when Harold thought it couldn’t get any worse, Dolly snatched up the ticket and chewed it to bits.

______________________________

 A WOMAN SCORNED

“Annie!  You’re attending my wedding?!”

“I’m the planner your fiance hired. Didn’t she tell you?”

“You? My ex-wife?! Why would Debra hire you?”

“Probably because I gave her the best price. She was very concerned that she not overspend.”

“Wow. I didn’t realize that you were over being so angry at me. But you’ve done a beautiful job with the decorations.”

“Thank you. I’ve tried to be very thorough and think of absolutely everything that will make the event perfect.”

“And … uh … you’re sure you don’t still hold it against me about … you know … cheating on you with Debra?”

“Relax, Harry. Everything’s fine. You don’t have anything to worry about. Here, drink this glass of champagne. I’ve poured this one especially for you. Now, drink up, and the next thing you know … it’ll all be over.”

___________________________

Might As Well Throw Out the Calendar

| Sandra Pavloff Conner
photo courtesy of Jose Augusto Camargo @ pixabay.com


Well, Sundays now just never seem like Sundays
‘Cause church online just isn’t quite the same.
And Mondays don’t seem right ’cause I’m still home
Instead of working; what a lousy shame.

When Tuesday rolls around, I think it’s Thursday
And start to wonder where the week has gone.
By Saturday, I feel it must be Sunday;
Go online to watch church, but it’s not on.

When Sunday finally comes, I’m more than distressed
Because another week has passed me by,
And I recall that plans I’d made for Wednesday
Have come and gone; I missed them. (Heavy sigh)

And now the holidays are fast approaching,
But they won’t be the same for anyone
‘Cause all the rules for shopping, eating, visiting
Require that we abstain from all that’s fun.

I must admit I don’t do well in lockdown.
Is this the paradigm for staying well?
If so, we need to reevaluate it;
‘Cause life worth living’s going straight to hell.

 

Coffee Is A Poem – Day 4

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

THE HEALTHY BEVERAGE

Coffee’s good for many things, according to reports:
It stops a headache fast as any meds.
Science tells us that it can protect from heart disease
And certain kinds of cancer hold in check.
Neurologists have proven coffee quickens brain response
And stress and tension it can help release.
It’s nice to know my favorite bev’rage is so good for me.
I wonder how it works for soaking feet.

Coffee Is A Poem – Day 3

| Sandra Pavloff Conner
photo courtesy of Sakura Phuthalong @ pixabay.com

HOW TO SPELL COFFEE

C is for the comfort
That comes from every cup.
O for turn the switch ‘ON’ — leave it there.
The first F is for fragrance;
The aroma is unique.
The second F for friends with whom I share.
The first E is for eating
Something yummy with each cup.
The last E for erase: Gone are my cares!

Coffee Is A Poem – Day 2

| Sandra Pavloff Conner
photo courtesy of Silverstrike @ pixabay.com

 

BY THE POT

Drinking coffee by the cup is fine
If my day is going well,
And works getting done on time.
But lately I’ve been having quite a lot
Of days when I need coffee by the pot.

A cup or two a day is pretty norm.
And that satisfies my soul
With its fragrance rich and warm.
But days this year — normal they are not!
So now I’m drinking coffee by the pot.

Lemonade Stand

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

I posted this painting a couple weeks ago, but later I discovered that my muse just insisted on creating a little poem to go along with it. So here’s the poem and, of course, it’s only right that I show you the picture again, since it was the inspiration.

STRAWBERRY LEMONADE
LEMONADE STAND

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Then set up a stand near the road, in the shade.
Offer to passersby at a fair price
For lemon juice, water, sugar and ice.

Most likely, no one will stop and consume.
And some may imply you take up too much room.
But in the end, if no money you’ve made,
Just kick back and chug all that sweet lemonade.

 

 

 

 

 

Watercolor Splotches

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

I’ve been experimenting with Watercolor Splotches. The idea is that you put puddles of watercolor on the paper and blow on it through a straw. What happens next gives you the theme of your picture.  When I saw that these splotches dried holding hands, I knew it was love.

WATERCOLOR SPLOTCH FIGURES

 

Focus on Coffee – Day 5

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

COFFEE - CLASSIC WHITE

I have a little coffee poem for you today.
Enjoy:

LIFE’S NECESSITIES

Of life’s necessities I’ve made a list.
Coffee’s there, and at the top it sits.
Some think I would give chocolate highest place;
To their surprise that’s simply not the case.
For chocolate, though my fav’rite candy treat,
Which quite enthusiastically I greet,
Still has a drawback, for when I indulge,
It has the power to add another bulge.
Plus it makes me thirsty after all,
So then for something wet I have to call.
That’s why I put it second on my list.
And coffee gets first place, I must insist.
Besides that, coffee always smells so great,
And when it’s brewing, I can hardly wait
For that first sip — so warm and rich and pure.
For agitated life, it’s nature’s cure.

photo: courtesy of Methawee Krasaeden @ pixabay.com

 

Focus on Coffee — Day 2

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

COFFEE SET - SUNFLOWER -- Alexa_Foto - PX
photo: Alexa_Foto @ pixabay.com

Wow, when I saw this coffee cup and saucer, I just could not resist posting about it. It’s absolutely beautiful, and it makes me want to brew a fresh pot of coffee right now. Unfortunately, all I have is a picture of this set and not the real thing.

I do love unusual coffee mugs. I have one shaped like an owl, one of red cut-glass with a pedestal, one that’s huge clear glass with dancing snowmen all around it, another that looks like a big pink bowl and is covered in pictures of cape cod shells, a delicate white cup and saucer trimmed in gold with a raised fleur de li on the front of the cup, another rather heavy glass mug from the Smoky Mountains — tan with dark brown interior, and with a black bear hanging onto the handle. Oh, my list could go on forever. Even just my collection of Christmas coffee cups would fill an entire post.

My sister and I both love coffee cups and mugs, and almost every time we go shopping we purchase at least one. Now, that doesn’t mean we have a place to put them when we get them home. We both have cabinets full of cups and mugs, and we both say that we need to stop buying them. But — well — it’s just soooooo much fun when we come across another one that catches our eye. And it’s even more fun to fill them with coffee and sip from them.

Needless to say, I have a lot of choices when I get ready to pour my coffee. It would be great fun to use a different one for each cup of the day, but to tell the truth — since I don’t have a dishwasher — and I have so many other interesting things to spend time on besides washing dishes — I avoid soiling too many in any 24-hour period. So I confess that I generally choose one cup for the day and use it all day — for coffee or tea — whichever I’m having at the time.  Oh-oh — did I say tea?   Well, excuse me. I know this is a “Focus on Coffee” post, but sometimes — just occasionally, mind you — I do get a hankering for a cup of hot tea. But if it came to being forced to make a choice, coffee would certainly win, hands down.

Now, I need to go online and see if I can find someplace to purchase this lovely sunflower coffee set.  In the meantime, I hope you’re enjoying your own coffee this evening.

 

It’s the Principle of the Thing

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

I was just meandering through some of my old, old flash fiction this weekend, and happened across this little story. I decided that during this unique time of absenting ourselves from routine cosmetic care, this little gem might lighten the day for a few people.

BARBER POLE - CLIPARTIT’S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING

Albert, the town barber, whistled as he walked the few blocks to his shop, key in hand. But as he rounded the corner, he saw that he had a customer impatiently waiting at the door.

“I thought you’d never get here!” the customer said.

Albert’s eyes grew round.

“Come on,” the customer urged. “Let’s get inside.”

Albert unlocked the door and followed his customer in, returning his keys to his pocket and unfolding a clean cape, while all the time never taking his eyes off his guest.

“Well, don’t just stand there,” the customer said, now in the chair. “Quick! Get me shaved.”

“Oh … I couldn’t!  I just couldn’t!” Albert said, as he gently wrapped the cape around the customer. “Why, that’s the most perfect beard I’ve ever seen.”

“What!?!?”

“Why, it’s thick and velvety, with perfect color. Every barber longs for a customer with a beard like that to care for.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!  What’s wrong with you, man?”

“I’ll delight in trimming it for you, but I could never shave it off.”

“But you must! I’m not leaving this chair until you do!”

Albert shook his head.

“Now look here,” the customer shouted. “I’ll pay you double your normal price. But get me shaved now!”

Albert looked genuinely concerned, but continued to shake his head.

“No, it would be a shame to do it” He said. “I’m very sorry if it upsets you, M’am.  But I will not shave off your beard.”

~~~

 

Laughter Is Good Medicine — Day 7

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

Well, I just have to post one more video of Jeanne Robertson. And I have to be honest: I had never heard of a Pashmina until I saw this video. I thought everybody where I come from just wore shawls. But, then, lo and behold, when I told my sister about this video, I discovered that she knew all about pashminas — and even had one. Maybe I should explain that I’m not exactly a hermit, but I do tend to keep to myself a lot …… 🙂

Enjoy:

 

Laughter Is Good Medicine — Day 6

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

 

Rarely have I laughed so hard as when I’ve listened to Jeanne Robertson. And knowing that all of her stories are true makes them even more funny. After all, life really is funny a lot of the time, and as long as we are willing to ‘let our hair down’ enough to laugh out loud at those experiences, we can glean the healing and health available to us in that laughter.

 

 

Laughter Is Good Medicine — Day 5

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

 

ANTIQUE SIGN

 

A VESSEL OF STERLING

While browsing antique shops, I made a great find!
Unearthed a rare treasure. Never saw one in kind.

An elegant bowl, with a handle and lid;
Beneath so much tarnish, it’s true beauty hid.

Though black with the ages, I hugged it to me;
I paid the man gladly and danced home with glee.

Polished and rubbed to a radiant glow,
On party buffet my prize purchase would show.

It gleamed and it glowed, holding punch the next day,
When – horror of horrors – I heard a guest say:

“Heaven help us! Is this the best silver you’ve got?
I’ll not drink my punch from an old chamber pot!”

~~~

 

Laughter Is Good Medicine — Day 3

| Sandra Pavloff Conner

This is one of my favorite Don Knotts scenes from the Andy Griffith Show. I’ve loved this show since I was a kid, and I have more than 200 episodes in my own collection. I just watched this segment again today, and I’ll bet you a month’s salary that you can’t watch it all the way through without laughing out loud.

Of course, I should add that since I’m a freelance writer, my salary isn’t always the same every month. Sometimes it’s a lot, and sometimes its zero. So don’t waste your time trying to win the bet. It isn’t worth it. Just go ahead and laugh out loud.  🙂